Open letter to mythical men: Santa

Dear Santa

Geez, what is it like for you? You just get letter upon letter from people asking you for stuff. That's gotta be hard. People love you, but you must feel like Leah Thomson in Some Kind of Wonderful when she realises that people just want to be around her because she was beautiful and she gives Eric Stoltz back those earrings. People love you but isn't it because you give them stuff? Of course they love you. The movies would have us believe that it's because you prove the existence of miracles, but I think if we're all honest we know it's because kids love stuff. The magical aspect is great, sure, that's undeniable, but the stuff plays a really big part. Without the presents there would be no miracle, you'd just be some fat dude sitting way up there in the north pole surrounded by elves and reindeer.

Santa, I'm sorry. I did not mean this to be such a downer. I don't want to make a dude feel bad about himself. I guess I'm just thinking through what it would be like to be you. And I would love it if you could tell me that I've got it all wrong. But I guess that's not going to happen.

I'm sure you get all kinds of nice letters from kids wanting to know about you and your life, that must feel nice. And I believe they mean it, of course they want to know. But it must be a little soul destroying that along with the enquiry and well wishing they're also asking for presents. Or maybe not. Maybe you just dig on the Christmas cheer and the enthusiasm of the kids. But don't you think you'd be doing us all a favour if you did something else, like not encourage the consumerism that is already coming at the kids from everywhere else. How about you create a Christmas miracle of encouraging kids to not want stuff.

Shit, there I go again, being a total downer. I'm sorry, Santa, I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. At least if you need something to make you feel better you can enjoy the fact we're all in the same boat. Most of us are fucking stressed right now, got a heap on their mind, trying to finish up work before the holidays, conflicted about the desire to please the kids and the repulsion of consumption. That probably doesn't make you feel better. Other people's misery just makes me feel miserable, why should we all suffer? You probably aren't the kind of jerk that enjoys other people's suffering. I sure hope you're not.

Santa, I hope you have a good Christmas and if you like the sunshine I hope you get out of town for a break after the big day, get somewhere warm where, out of context, no one will recognise you and you can just chill.

While I'm writing I may as well mention I'd love world peace, a long, healthy, happy life for all my loved ones and a new summer dress.

Thanks
J