Open letter to famous people I've loved: Daniel Johns

Dear Daniel Johns

A few years ago my sister told me she saw you drunk, lolling around on a footpath one night outside her friend's house in Sydney. She told me you were bullshit handsome. But I already knew that.  When I was 18 the weirdest thing happened, I'd always thought silverchair was lame. What with you being the same age as me and having fans that seemed like what we called in those days "teeny boppers". Whatever the fuck that meant. Girls that thought they were cool I guess but seemed like hopeless try hards to me. And then I saw you on Recovery and me and Libbets we just fell in love with you. With you, Daniel Johns, and with silverchair. We just became like those teeny boppers. Except cool. 

It just happened one day and then we were gone. We just listened to silverchair all the time, we read interviews, watched interviews, bought magazines I'd never even looked at before. Ben Gillies is on the cover of some drumming magazine? Better buy it! We went crazy. I've never used my brain better or worked harder than those days when it came to you. Figuring out where you lived in Newcastle, putting together a video documentary proposal for John Watson. If I'd put that much energy into any other thing I'd probably be successful now, but that energy just burned hard and fast for that brief time. 

But due to my overwhelming self-respect, or superiority, or crippling self-loathing (it's complicated) we,  Libbets and K and I, we always kept out distance. From you at least. We felt above those fans that stalked you. You seemed vulnerable and beautiful and sad and those fans seemed to make it worse. That's how it seemed to us. Us who just made up everything about you. That's what you have to do isn't it? Read a bunch of stuff and listen to all your music and create a person to fall in love with. That's what I did as a lonely 18-year-old. I mean I had friends and lots of fun but I guess I wanted something else.  I suppose that's why I had so much energy for you. Plus I love  the rock and roll. 

And so we considered ourselves above those stalking fans. Which is why we kept our distance. On holidays in Newcastle we just casually walked past your house on a daily basis. But we were definitely above sitting out the front or god forbid knocking on the door.  Did that used to happen? Probably. Anyway we respected you far too much for that. And yes, we followed  the Freak Show tour around Victoria  but that just meant we could see more shows. And yes we tried to stay at the same hotels as you. And yes in Bendigo that worked. You walked past our car and I turned up the Led Zeppelin on the stereo. And we'd timed our exit of the hotel to coincide with your arrival so we could be close to you. My god we loved you. But we didn't want to bother you. Just be near you. What a fucking thrill. I mean where else can a teenager get a rush than that. Drugs, yes, but this was better. Though both make you fee a bit dirty after. But if you think about it, clean highs aren't quite as satisfying when you're 18.

Sometimes K and I look at that time and wonder why we were wasting our late teen years stalking you instead of living life. But in truth I think that was a fucking great way to  spend teenage years. We were living life. The best we could anyway. What the fuck else would we have been doing? Nothing much I can tell you now. Because I know what was done with the rest of my time. Not much. No stories from the rest of that time. 

Hanging out with my best friends and mooning over you was better than mooning over real boys that didn't notice me. Following silverchair was an adventure. I loved it. Thanks Daniel Johns.  I'm not really into the music you make now but I guess all that love from back then snuggles in a tiny little spot somewhere in my heart. 

Thanks. Bye.

Love
J